Mrs Darcy vs The Aliens

The ghost of Mary Ann Nicholls was more than a little confused as well. Somehow she had been left back in Regency times whilst her corpse was seventy years in the future. She had a feeling that this probably wasn’t a good situation to be in. No-one seemed to realise she was there at all, apart from a slight shiver when she happened to walk through them.

“Oi, do you mind moving on a bit?” said a voice behind her. “This is my pitch ’ere.”

Mary Ann Nicholls turned and saw a headless apparition standing behind her with an air of nonchalance. The voice came from the head that she carried under her arm.

“Thank Gawd for that,” she said. “Someone who can see me.”

“Yeah, I can see you all right. An’ you’re standing in my pitch. So bugger off. Might be a punter along any minute.”

“Oh, I see what you mean,” said Mary Ann. “Didn’t realise that there were … you know … ghost ’ores like. I ain’t been dead long, y’see.”

“Ah. In that case, I’ll let yer off.” She held out a hand. “Pleased to meet yer. I’m the ’eadless ’ore.”

Mary Ann took the hand and shook it. Unlike everything else she’d encountered so far today, it seemed solid.

“Yeah, I’m quite notorious round these parts,” said the headless whore, with a superior smile. “You should see what I gets up to with this.” She waved the head around in an unpleasant manner.

“Ah,” said Mary Ann, her mind racing. “Well, ’s nice to meet you, then, I’m sure. I’m Mary Ann Nicholls, by the way.”

“Ah, that’s who you are. Thought I’d seen you around ’ere before.”

“So ’ow comes you’re still … er … what’s the word … unquiet?”

“I was just about to ask yer the same question. But seeing as you’s asked me first I’ll tell yer. I got me ’ead cut off by a fallin’ gargoyle whilst walkin’ widdershins round a church. Turns out that means your spirit don’t get to lie down and rest with yer body until the end of the world as predicted by yer revelatin’ John.”

“Bleedin ’ell. That sounds terrible.”

“Yeah well, it’s a bugger to be sure. Still, at least I can keep me business goin’ in the meantime. You’d be surprised how many lonely old phantoms there are round these parts.”

“I see,” said Mary Ann. “I think I’m ’ere because my body’s been sent into the future.”

“Well, there’s a thing,” said the headless whore. “That’s summat you don’t come across very often.” She shook her head from side to side, and then tucked it back under her arm again. “Can’t you just sort of wait around to catch up with it then?” she said.

“’Spose so. Not sure what I’m going to do for all that time, though. ’Spect you‘ve got the ’orin’ covered.”

“True. But you could find a nice ’ouse to ’aunt. Or do good works. Like save people when they’re about to be killed. Give them a mysterious warning just afore they’re going to go on a journey’s that’s goin’ to end bad, like. So as they don’t reach their final destination. That kind of thing. Depends on whether you want to be a good ghost or a bad one.”

“What sort are you, ’eadless?”

“Ha. That depends on who’s you ask. The Wanderin’ Colonel what pops by every now and then says I’m a bad girl. But ’e also tells me I’m very good at it, too. So take yer pick.”

“I think I want to be a good ghost,” said Mary Ann, brightening. “Make up for me life of sin, like.”

“Good choice, me dear. World needs more good ghosts. An’ look. There’s yer chance to do some good now. ’Ere comes young Annie Chapman. Keep an eye on ’er. She’s a reckless young ’un.”