Mrs Darcy vs The Aliens

The man with no name entered the inn, surveyed the scene and then sat down at a table where three of the locals were playing cards.

“Deal me in,” he said, accidentally nudging the table so that the pint of beer belonging to the man opposite splashed a few drops into his lap. With a scowl, the man leaned over the table as if to grab the newcomer by the throat, but his hand was stayed by the man to the left of him.

“Now, now, Jed. Let’s not be unwelcoming,” he said, motioning to him to sit down again. Then, turning to the man with no name, he added, “So what be you called, then?”

“I … don’t have a name. I used to have one once … but – ”

“A man with no name, eh?” said the one called Jed. “That won’t end well. Last time we ’ad a man with no name around ’ere, ’e did nowt but stir up trouble between the Rogers and the Baxters. Right bloody mess, weren’t it, Ebeneezer? Bodies everywhere.” The last comment was directed at the man who had first spoken.

“I assure you I mean to cause no trouble. I merely seek to chance my luck with a game or two so that I can perhaps afford a night’s accommodation before going on my way again. I have been sleeping rough these last few nights and I am in urgent need of a bed.”

“An’ where might you be on yer way to, then?” said Ebeneezer.

“I’m … not sure. I have forgotten so much – ”

“Dear, oh dear,” said Ebeneezer, with the slightest suggestion of a glint in his eye. “So what you got to bet with, then?”

The man with no name took off his boots and placed them on the table.

“That’s bad luck,” said the one who hadn’t spoken yet.

“Shut it, Montmorency,” said Ebeneezer, examining the leather. “Nice boots, they are. Bonham-Carter weekend casuals, if I’m not mistaken. All right, then. Portugese six-card wazzock?”

“Hapsburg rules?”

“If you wish.”

This seemed to satisfy the trio, and they each put down a few coins on the table. Ebeneezer dealt them six cards each and the man with no name looked at his hand.

“One for his nob,” he said.

“Pass,” said Montmorency.

“Pass,” said Jed, shaking his head.

“Double whammy,” said Ebeneezer.

“Blocked flush.”

“Pass.”

“Pass.”

Ebeneezer paused, and then a smile began to play on his lips. He laid down the Jacks of Hearts, Clubs and Spades in turn. “Three skins,” he said.

There was an audible intake of breath from Jed and Montmorency and all eyes swivelled towards the man with no name. Then he laid down his entire hand, one card at a time and leant back in his chair, arms folded.

“Royal wazzock,” he said, with an air of triumph.

“Bollocks,” said Ebeneezer. He looked the man with no name firmly in the eye and then slowly pushed his coins towards him. The other two followed with great reluctance. The man with no name took his boots off the table, picked up the money and began to stand up.

“Wait one moment, Mister,” said Ebeneezer. “Don’t you think you oughta give us the chance to win it back off yer?”

The man with no name detected the underlying threat, shrugged and sat down again. This time he won when his whiffy trump beat Jed’s ace-up-the-jacksie, much to the latter’s annoyance. They played on for a few more hands, by which time he had won a whole fistful of cash and the others had all but run out. Choosing his moment, the man with no name grabbed his winnings, went to the bar and paid for a room for the night. Now feeling quite exhausted after his long journey, he staggered up the stairs to bed. He was asleep within seconds of his head hitting the pillow.

But in the early hours of the morning, he was suddenly wide awake, sweat pouring off his brow. A single word filled his head.

“Pemberley!” he said out loud.