Mrs Darcy vs The Aliens

Lady Catherine de Bourgh rearranged her tentacles and pressed the button on the communications device. Another alien figure appeared on the screen in front of her.

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek – ” it said, waving. (Greetings, k’Ek! I trust you are well. How goes the project?)

“Ek – ek – ek – ekkitty – ek,” replied Lady Catherine. (Very well, k’Ekk! I have news.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek?” (Well? Go on then. I haven’t got all day, you know.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ekekekekekek!” (The target has been fertilised.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek!” (Are you sure? Seem to remember that your man made a bit of a cods of the last few trials.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ekky – ekky – ek!” (Yes, but don’t forget we have had more time to refactor his DNA for full compatibility with her. There shouldn’t be any problems with rejection this time.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (Fair enough. But do try to make sure you don’t turn this one inside out. She is the key to our plan.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (I know, I know.)

“Ekky – ekky – ekky?” (Any word on our escaped prisoner?)

“Ek.” (No.)

“Ekekekekekek!” (Bugger. That’s a bit unfortunate. What if he remembers who he is? Couldn’t half be embarrassing, that.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (Very unlikely. He was a bit dim to start with if you ask me, that one.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (Never underestimate a human, k’Ek.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (Pah. You should try living here, mate. Thick as pig poo, most of them, and twice as sloppy.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (Well, with any luck, I will be living there very soon and I will know more of these pigs of which you speak. Once you and your advance party have finished breeding the new race of hybrid beings that will quash resistance for us, the pitiful remains of our once-great civilisation can leave this wretched base camp on Mars and establish a colony on Earth, where we can re-build so that once again we will rule the galaxies with a fist of iron!)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek – ekkacha-ekkacha-ekk!” (That would be nice. I’ve missed you.)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek?” (What about Wickham?)

“Ek – ek – ek?” (What about him?)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek?” (Is he a threat?)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (To his own safety, yes. To us, no. He’s a bit of a git, to be honest.)

“Ek – ek.” (I thought as much.)

“Ek … ek – ek – ek – ek?” (So … what’s it like there?)

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (Red. It really is very red. There’s pretty much no other colour apart from red. Just bloody red wherever you look. Which is fine if you like red, but I’m getting a bit bored with it now.)

“Ek – ” (Really – )

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (And it’s pretty much the same shade of red, too. It’s not as if there were some nice subtle shades here or there. I could cope with that. But the same dull, bland red, over and over again, in every bleeding direction.)

“Ek – ” (I see – )

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek.” (Not even the slightest hint of crimson. Or rose. Or magenta. Just the same rusty crap whichever direction you look in. You know, sometimes I slice off one of my own tentacles, just to mix the colours up a bit? It’s awful. Just awful.)

“Ek – ” (It must – )

“Ek – ek – ek – ek – ek!” (So I think what I’m saying, k’Ek, is whatever you do, please don’t cock this up. If I have to stay in this dump much longer, I’m going to go doolally. Have you any idea – )

Lady Catherine sighed and switched off the communicator. There was a limit to the amount of maudlin self-pity she could take. Still, let’s hope it does work this time, she thought to herself.