Mrs Darcy vs The Aliens

Wickham trotted up the drive on Jennifer, weaving unnoticed in and out of the carriages delivering their occupants to the Pemberley Midsummer Ball. He hadn’t banked on there being so many other people heading the same way as him and was grateful that Jennifer had been daubed all over – much to her evident dismay – with H’s experimental new stealth paint. Arriving at the mansion, he tied her up to a lightning conductor and unbuckled her saddlebag.

He needed to get onto the roof somehow, so he rummaged in the bag for something suitable. The first thing he came across was the miniature steam-powered gyrocopter, which he discarded on the grounds that it appeared to be, on the basis of H’s disappointing demonstration, a somewhat unstable mode of transport. He could still remember the look of terror on the face of the technician who had volunteered to be the pilot, as the device had spun him around at increasingly high speeds during the ascent before eventually flinging him off in the rough direction of the Thames. Instead, Wickham opted for a more conventional musket-powered grappling iron, and set about assembling his trusty Lee van Enfield.

Fortunately, no-one was around the back of the mansion when he fired it, because the explosion made by the musket was deafening. But when Wickham picked himself up off the ground again, he observed that the hook had embedded itself in the guttering. He gave it a good tug and was pleased to note that it seemed to be secure. He slung the musket over his shoulder, put a knife between his teeth, and began to climb.

When he had almost reached the guttering, he heard voices below him and saw to his horror that there were a man and a woman approaching. He quickly scrabbled his way to the top and hauled the rope up behind him. Looking down at what was now taking place beneath him, he realised that he probably hadn’t needed to be so careful. The couple from the Ball were oblivious to anything else going on around them, as they were very soon engaged in an energetic bête aux deux dos. Nice footwork, thought Wickham to himself.

He began to make his way around the parapet, hoping that the revellers would be too occupied to see him. Every now and then he dislodged a small piece of masonry, forcing him to crouch down and hold his breath until the danger had passed. After several minutes of negotiating his way across the roof he found himself by the skylight above the great ballroom.

Looking down, he could see that the dancing was in full swing, with the orchestra playing enthusiastically and several groups performing Sir Roger M’Gently’s Eightsome Quadrille. But where was Mrs Darcy? Wickham scanned the twirling crowd, but he could not find her anywhere. Then he caught a glimpse of someone else: Darcy himself, striding through the ballroom with his usual haughty demeanour. Wickham felt a shiver run down his spine.

Then Darcy stopped suddenly, turned and tilted his head up towards where Wickham squatted above him. He ducked down, wondering if he’d been quick enough to avoid being seen. After a few seconds, he raised his head again – just enough to be able to see over the lip of the skylight. Darcy had gone.

Wickham scurried over to the front of the roof and looked over. Ah, there he was! Darcy was outside the front of the mansion, issuing orders, left right and centre, to two nervous-looking footmen. Damn the man! With a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach, Wickham realised that he had been seen after all. He cursed his own incompetence. He should have realised that someone as evil as Darcy would have been able to sense his presence – they always could. And he still hadn’t located Mrs Darcy, either. What to do?

He waited until Darcy had disappeared inside and watched as the footmen below him seemed to be arguing about what they should be doing. The conversation grew quite animated, with much gesticulation towards the roof, and it was clear that neither of the men seemed particularly keen to venture up there.

But at that precise moment, something else happened that threw both them and him into complete confusion.