Mrs Darcy vs The Aliens

The party reassembled itself over breakfast the next morning – at least all of the party except Mr Darcy.

“My husband is still a-bed,” said Elizabeth by way of explanation. Colonel Sutherland raised his eyebrow for the briefest of instants. “The poor man is quite limp after his ordeal,” she continued. “In fact, he is completely drained.” There was a strangled, choking sound from the Colonel as he struggled with a mouthful of Bath bun. The other two men tried very hard not to catch each other’s eye.

“So what’s the plan, Colonel?” said Wickham, after his superior’s discomfiture had resolved itself. “Do we have any more information about these creatures?”

“We think they come from Mars,” said H.

“Mars?” said Wickham. “Great heavens, what are the chances of anything coming from there? Must be – ”

“A million to one!” said the Colonel.

“But still they come,” said H. “Still they come. And if we fail to defeat them, ’twill be – ”

“Forever winter,” said the Colonel. There was a brief pause, before he continued. “So obviously we cannot hope to attack them on their home ground – at least not until H here has finished work on his space machine – ” (here, H looked slightly annoyed and shook his head) “ – so instead we must penetrate their base on Earth.”

“Rosings!” said Wickham.

“Indeed. However, we believe that a frontal assault on Rosings will be too risky now. They know that we know about them. In fact, they probably know that we know that they know that we know. Up until now they have refrained from using force against us, but we must assume that they possess weaponry far more advanced than anything we have. So we must employ subterfuge instead.”

“Subterfuge?”

“Yes. And this is where your husband comes in, Mrs Darcy.”

Mrs Darcy looked shocked. “Surely you aren’t suggesting that he should walk into Rosings and pretend to be an alien?”

“No, no, no, of course not. Far too risky. No, no, no. For all we know, your husband’s alien copy may be dead or mortally wounded, and we can be sure that Lady Catherine will be all too aware of this. However … if we move quickly, we may just be able to convince a certain third party that our Darcy is their Darcy, so to speak.”

“Mr Collins!” said Wickham.

“Precisely. And if we can feed him the right story to take back to Rosings, then we can use him to get us in there without any blood split.”

“A brilliant plan, sir! What can possibly go wrong?”

The Colonel smiled. “What indeed?” he said. “So the three of us will go with Mr Darcy to Whitechapel, having sequestered Mrs Darcy in a place of safety along the way.”

“Excuse me,” said Mrs Darcy. “But if my husband is being involved in a dangerous undercover plot, then I should be by his side. I shall come too.”

The Colonel shook his head. “No Mrs D – ” he said.

“Sir,” said Wickham. “Perhaps she – ”

“Wickham,” said the Colonel, rolling his eyes, “I’m sure that you will agree with me that this is no job for a woman. It is said that the heat of battle can fry the brains of the fairer sex. She may lose control of her bonnet, and – ”

A new voice now entered the argument. “Colonel, I beg to differ.” Everyone turned towards the doorway, where Darcy was leaning against the wall. “If my wife insists on coming, then she shall come. You may rail against it until you are quite puce with the trying, but ’tis of little use. She will have her way in the end.” It sounded like the voice of bitter experience.

There was a brief silence as the Colonel digested this. “Well then,” he said eventually. “There we have it. We shall all go to Whitechapel. H, fire up the dirigible! Let’s hit the sky!”