Mrs Darcy vs The Aliens

Mr Collins led the way down the corridor, followed by Darcy, Wickham and Sutherland, with Elizabeth bringing up the rear. Sutherland seemed less than sure of foot and was clutching a kerchief to his brow at the point where he had recently made contact with the wall beyond the front door.

Even though it was still a warm summer evening outside, Elizabeth shivered. Something inside her knew that bad things had happened here. The flickering light of Mr Collins’ candle up ahead made strange shadows to dance on the walls and she could easily imagine that a more susceptible creature than herself would perceive ghosts and phantoms in a place such as this. Every now and then she even managed to convince herself that there was another set of footsteps behind her.

At the end of the corridor, Mr Collins ushered them into a room, shut the door and bade them seat themselves down in front of a large desk. He took a seat opposite them, clasped his hands together and turned to look at Darcy with an expectant air.

“So, Mr Darcy,” he said, “What can I do for you?”

Something was wrong. Elizabeth couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but Mr Collins wasn’t behaving the way she would have expected. The usual oleaginous fawning tone was absent from his voice for one thing.

“I need to take Mrs Darcy to Rosings,” he said, exactly as he had been primed to do so by Colonel Sutherland.

“Indeed?” said Collins. “So pray why did you bring her here, accompanied by these two agents of the Crown?”

Great heavens, he knows, thought Elizabeth! We are in mortal peril!

“These two agents, as you call them, are aliens in disguise,” said Darcy, sticking to his script. This was the least convincing part of the deception, thought Elizabeth.

“Eck,” said Wickham, without much conviction.

“Ecky ecky,” said Sutherland.

“Ecky ecky indeed,” said Collins. “Ecky ecky.”

Dear me, we need to get out of here, thought Elizabeth. “Excuse me, Mr Collins, “ she said, “but I need to use the – ”

“Sit down, Mrs Darcy,” said Collins. “Stay right there.”

“Now look here,” said Darcy, making as if to stand up. But before he could do so, a pair of metal bands appeared from the arms of his chair and pinned him to it. At the same time, similar devices were activated and made prisoners of the other three.

“Excuse me – ” said Sutherland, but he was cut short by Collins.

“Be quiet, you blundering old nincompoop. Did you imagine that I was so ill-informed that I would be taken in by your deception? That I would somehow be unaware that my alien friends’ replacement for your Mr Darcy here had been wounded whilst escaping from Pemberley last night?”

“Replacement?” said Elizabeth.

“Well, he’s certainly an improvement on the original, don’t you think?” said Collins. “Just think, my dear Elizabeth, you could have had me instead.”

“How dare you speak to my wife like that, you revolting little man!” said Darcy.

“Cease!” Collins was on his feet now, pacing up and down in front of them. “Now the question is, what shall we do with you all? I fear the only one of you who is not completely expendable is indeed the lovely Elizabeth here.” He bent down to stroke her chin, but she shook her head away in disgust. “I wouldn’t be so quick to disown me, my dear. Our new masters have promised you to me when this is all over.”

“No!” said Elizabeth.

“Oh yes,” said Collins. “Ecky ecky ecky.”

Darcy and Wickham were both squirming in their seats by now, taking turns to fire insults at Collins, who merely laughed at them. “You poor pathetic humans, look at you! Mankind is finished!”

“Traitor!” said Sutherland.

“I am but a realist,” said Collins, with a sad shake of his head. “The first of many such realists, as you will soon see, once my masters show their true colours!” The door opened behind them, and Collins’ familiar obsequious demeanour returned in an instant. “Ah! Lady Catherine!” he said. “So delightful to see you once more. See, I have your prisoners!”