Mrs Darcy vs The Aliens

Charlotte Collins appeared ill at ease. She seemed to be finding it difficult to sit still, and the drumming of her fingers on the dining table was beginning to annoy Elizabeth.

“Are you all right, my dear?” she said.

“I am … quite well. The journey from Rosings was taxing, and I did not sleep well last night.”

“Indeed. You must be exhausted. And here I am bothering you with tiresome enquiries about your health.” She paused. “Is the venison to your satisfaction?”

“It is very satisfactory,” said Charlotte, with a slight twitch.

The silence descended. Elizabeth surmised that Charlotte’s present disposition was connected to the fact that Dench had indeed managed to intercept her supply of laudanum and secrete it in a safe place. She had little experience of these matters, beyond the content of Mr Coleridge’s famous pamphlet, “Just Say No, Quoth the Albatross”, and the message contained therein was ambiguous to say the very least.

“Er … Charlotte – ” she began.

Charlotte threw down her cutlery and stood up, drooling slightly and with her eyes as wide as the Darcys’ best dinner plates. “What NOW?!” she screamed.

Elizabeth was taken aback, but held her ground. Asking the servants to leave them for a moment, she said, “Dearest Charlotte, whatever is the matter with you?”

Charlotte advanced around the end of the table and stood over Elizabeth. “What have you done with it?” she said.

“What?”

“You know full well. I can’t live without –”

“Without what?”

Charlotte’s voice dropped to a whisper as she sank back into the chair next to Elizabeth. “My … little … bottle,” she said.

“Ah,” said Elizabeth, trying hard to disguise the triumph in her voice. “Good, good. I’m glad you’re facing up – ”

“You have no idea – ”

“– to your problems – ”

“– what it’s like living with him – ”

“– because I feel I can really help you here – ”

“– can you imagine what it’s like when he creeps into bed with you – ”

“– I really want to help, Charlotte, I really do, but you need to accept –”

“– when that greasy little body slides up behind you – ”

“– that it’s just a crutch and it’s not addressing the underlying problem, is it?”

“– and he goes finger, thumb, finger, thumb, finger, thumb all the way down your spine until he grasps hold of your – ”

“Charlotte? Were you listening to a word I was saying?”

There was a moment’s silence, broken only by soft whimpering from Charlotte. “I can stop whenever I want, you know, Lizzie,” she said. “I really can.”

“I know,” said Elizabeth, embracing Charlotte and rocking her gently to and fro, “I know.”

“And I hate Rosings, too,” said Charlotte. “That horrible de Bourgh woman – ”

“Yes, well – ”

“And the noises and lights in the sky that keep me awake – ”

“Sorry?”

“And the tentacles – ”

Elizabeth disengaged from Charlotte and sat bolt upright.

“Charlotte, did you say tentacles?”

Charlotte looked bemused. “I … don’t … think so. Why would I say tentacles?” Her eyes were wandering all over the room. “No, I can’t think of any reason why I should say tentacles. Did I really say tentacles? Sorry. Sometimes I get a little confused.” She gave a sad little smile. “I think I’d better go to bed now,” she said.

Elizabeth helped her friend up to her chamber and made sure that she was comfortable. Poor, poor Charlotte. But what on earth was she babbling on about? There was only one man who could help her find an answer to that, and unfortunately she had no idea how to get hold of him.