Mrs Darcy vs The Aliens

Colonel Sutherland studied the report in front of him and frowned. “Are you sure that it was him?” he said. “Can you be absolutely certain that your own feelings – ”

“I’d recognise that haughty demeanour anywhere, sir,” said Wickham.  “There was no-one else that it could possibly have been.”

The colonel sighed. “In that case, Wickham. I have no alternative. I’m taking you off the investigation. You’re far too emotionally involved. And we need to keep our senses in control of our sensibilities, if you see what I mean.”

“But sir – ”

“God knows, it’s difficult enough with you being involved with a member of the Bennet family – ”

“That was just a job – ”

“I know – ”

“ – and one that I made a dashed right royal mess of.” Wickham thumped the desk, stood up and walked away.

“She may yet be alive, George,” said Sutherland.

“She was just a child,” said Wickham. “I mean, obviously not in the sense of anything dodgy, but – ”

“I know.” Sutherland stood up himself and went over to Wickham. He put his hand on his shoulder. “Come on, old man, it wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know half of what we know now.”

“But half of that is speculation, and a whole third of that is incomplete conjecture, and nine-tenths of the rest is probably the rabid speculation of a deranged imagination – ”

And yet, that still leaves – ” the colonel paused for a moment “ – one sixtieth that may yet be of use to us.”

They both looked at each other for a few seconds.

“Are you sure?” said Wickham. “Look, if you take a half of a half – ”

“It matters not,” said Sutherland. “All that is important is that Lydia may still be alive and unharmed. And it is our duty to find her.” He paused. “Come here. I’ve got something new I want you to look into.” He went back to his desk, and Wickham followed.

“We’ve had another sighting. From one of our operatives in Kent. Take a look at this engraving.” He handed a piece of paper to Wickham.

“Hmmm. Nice work. I like the way he’s depicted the thrusters particularly. But just one moment, sir. I think I recognise the house in the picture – ”

“I thought you might.”

“My God. It’s Rosings.”

“Indeed it is, Wickham. I want you to go there and find out what’s going on. You’re going to have to infiltrate the establishment and see what Lady Catherine de Bourgh is up to.”

“Lady Catherine? Surely not. I really can’t believe the old bat – ”

“Assume nothing, Wickham. These are strange times that we live in.”

“But how am I going to get into Rosings? She knows me. She hates me. I seduced her niece, remember? She’s Darcy’s aunt.”

“So you’re going to need a disguise.” Colonel Sutherland handed him a card. “We tend to use these chaps. Good eggs. Theatrical types. Know their disguises inside out.”

Wickham took the card and raised an eyebrow. “Old Compton Street, eh? Can we trust them? Are they straight?”

“Straight?” said Sutherland. “Not sure what you mean there, old chap.”